my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
