There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
