Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
