Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
