I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize