My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
