i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize