dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
