took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
