Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
