Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
