i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
