Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
