if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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