Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I want a musical about memes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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