I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
