I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
