When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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