Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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