I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
