Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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