I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
