his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
