my room smells like sperm. sweet.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
