So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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