If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
