saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I need help removing her.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize