I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
