got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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