This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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