hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
