If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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