Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
