people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
