so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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