yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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