and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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