Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
