my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My balls are so social today.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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