How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
