it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
