I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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