I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
