turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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