How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
