Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
