I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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