White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
