I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
