Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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