What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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