i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
