All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
