It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
