Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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