Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
either way he was missing a nipple.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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