i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
