I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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