I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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