In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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