Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
