WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
