i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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