I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
