dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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