I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
