We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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