At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
