what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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