I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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