He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
