It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
